I have not had a bad
day in two months. TWO MONTHS! I've certainly had days where it was harder to
stay happy, but I won't let them keep me down.
The last four months
have been the hardest of my life. I've never had to deal with such pain of loss
and rejection. I've had every excuse to sit in my sadness and heartbreak and
never look at the sun again; every reason to doubt the goodness of God.
Let me start at the
beginning. When I first moved across the country I thought I was good. I
thought I knew who I was in God, and while I had some idea of my identity I
didn't know as much as I know now. I came to the Bethel School of Supernatural
Ministry looking for some hope. I wasn't hopeless, but I came looking to get
out of the rut I'd gotten stuck in. And honestly, I moved over here to get a
better foundation for my relationship with my boyfriend who was also attending
the school. (Living in separate quarters, of course.) You know, to get a better
start for our lives together.
For the first month
I was pretty bored. I'd heard most of these sermons before and I'd learned most
if not all of the lessons in the past so I felt like I was getting hardly
anything out of this school. Growing up in a Spirit led church had gotten me
that far.
There was one day in
class in September when God asked me to give Him my heart. It was scary, but I
decided that He would take better care of it than I could. He assured me that
it was secure. He then told me something that I'll cling to forever. He told me
to Trust Him and Enjoy this life He's given me. I'll write more on this later
because there is so much more in there, but it's important for now.
Then came the
breaking point. I was reading homework and so much of what I read was bringing
things out from my past that I had never thought of. All of this junk from my
life started to surface. This life that I thought was all "good". God
showed me things from my past that I had completely forgotten about that had
shaped who I'd believed myself to be. All of these lies that I'd built my life
and identity upon had suddenly been yanked out from under me like a rug. I fell
and it felt like I kept falling.
Before I knew it
almost everything I'd ever relied on or trusted in was out from under me.
For my health, that
I'd always thought was impeccable, we found out right before I moved out here
that my thyroid wasn't working correctly, making me extremely moody.
Apparently, to the point of people being on edge around me, which I never knew
and honestly feel awful about.
My finances had been
really good before I moved away from my nanny job and suddenly money was almost
non-existent.
It seemed everything
I ever knew about how to interact with people and make friends was based on
lies that I was believing. Everything I knew about relationships, friendships,
family, everything seemed to be thrown out the window. It came to the point when
people would ask how I was and I honestly didn't know how to answer.
My family is still
there and they're amazing, but nowhere near me.
The final and
hardest blow came when the person I'd planned on spending the rest of my life
with wanted out.* None of it made sense. I felt my life was crumbling before my
eyes. **
So now I was lost. I
had the absolute worst month of my life. I felt I had nothing to cling to. I
had always struggled with pessimism and I was always finding the cloud to go
with every silver lining. I had chest pains from all the crying. I thought I was
going to die of a broken heart.
…But God. It started
on November 23, 2017, Thanksgiving of all days. God told me to read a chapter
of one of the books for homework and something in it sparked my thinking. It
stated that when you have a mindset or a thought pattern, it carves a ditch in
your mind that makes it hard to get out of. That got me thinking about Romans
12:2 in having a renewed mind. I'd always thought that that was a passive thing
of having your mind just be "renewed" by God then things will be
great. But that's not it; at least not for me. I've tried the passive thing
before and it didn't work.
But having the
visual of your thought life being a ditch that you have to dig your fingers in
and fight for all you're worth to get out of helped me to understand what I was
in for.
Now that I knew that
I needed to fight to change my mindsets, I sunk my teeth in and I'm still not
letting go. I got proactive. I'd heard about a woman who had a timer set on her
phone for every 15 minutes and when it would go off, she would just say a quick
"Thank You, Jesus" and go on with her day. I decided to go for it. I
set my timer. It took me a bit to get into it, but it definitely helped me to
keep my mind on Christ. It reminded me to look at the bright side of life. It
reminded me to look to God for what I should be thinking on.
And God joined me in
the fight! He'll ask me what I love about Him and His character. He'll ask me
what I love about me. He'll tell me to ask Him what He loves about me!
Sure, there have
been times when I messed up in these last couple of months. I get caught
thinking about people or struggles or disappointments and I don't act like my
best self, but then the timer will go and I'll realize my mistake and I'll
repent and go back to God. And if I can't think of something positive in life
at the moment, I'll call somebody and ask them for suggestions. It's been a
challenge and a struggle at times to keep my mind on Him, but I'm doing it! And
I'm not quitting! I still have my timer going every day and I don't plan on
turning it off. I'm now learning how to trust Him and enjoy this life He's given me; to truly have Joy! He is the best thought I can have, and while these have been
some of the hardest days of my life, I've also had some of my absolute best
days of my life in this time, because God is good!
I'm going to write
more about what I've been learning in the last few months, because there is a
lot, but for now ….. What has God done for you lately?
*While there was
blame on both ends, he'd gotten hurt and confused. I know he had no ill intent
and anyone who knows him knows that he's not a jerk, so please don't think I'm
trying to say that.
**God has been doing
a lot in my life, that I will write about later. God is good and my life is not
in shambles anymore.
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